The Five Worst Walt Disney World Attractions

And now for what I think are the five weakest attractions at Walt Disney World. Though Imagination, Nemo, and Spaceship Earth are all pretty poor, none match up to these attractions. Surpisingly, none come from Epcot or Animal Kingdom.

5. Disney's Hollywood Studios Backlot Tour

The parking lot trams are more exciting. They go faster, there's anticipation for the destination, and the spieling isn't so cheesy (At least not most of the time). A long time ago the backlot tour made sense and was almost like the Safari of the Studios. Time passed by, and the Studios stopped producing things. This ruined the credibility of the park and thus the tour. We pass a bunch of props from movies, but most of them are rusted and from movies that are either box office failures or completely old. Catastrophe Canyon is fine, but since movies don't rely on physical effects much anymore, the whole point seems obsolete. It's time to finally end the tour.

4. Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor

This is the epitome of what's wrong with today's imagineers. The attraction is thematically out of place. The story behind the show is used not to complement the experience, but rather to explain why such a ridiculous concept is in existence to begin with. Remember the ending of Monsters Inc. where Mike discovered that laughter was more powerful than screams? Well now guests from Tomorrowland are being sent into Monstropolis so they can harvest our laughter at a comedy club. That's not a story. That's not even theming. That's just coming up with a reason to have the attraction make a little sense. Toy Story Mania has the same problem.
The show relies on technology, but that technology is less impressive than the AAs at Carousel of Progress since we can obviously see it's a screen. Immersion is completely non existent.
The show insults the audience, particularly one man who is deemed "That guy." Where is the fun in humiliating someone? Also, only those people who participate in the show, mainly little kids, will get anything out of it while everyone else just sits back and watches. At least with attractions like Millionaire Play It! the audience could play along. I fear the new American Idol show will be a failure like this is. For an example of how the character interaction can be used well, there's Turtle Talk with Crush. There is no ridiculous back story or explanation. We are just having a personal conversation with one of Pixar's beloved characters. Disney, there is a time and a place for your "technology." A nook of the Living Seas is a good place, not an entire building in Tomorrowland. A kiosk would be a perfect place to install an elf yourself activity, not an omnimover.

3. Sounds Dangerous

I only did this once and I honestly can't remember much other than it smelled bad and almost the entire attraction took place in darkness. The only reason we went in to begin with was because it was New Year's Eve and everything else had a line. You know something is wrong with an attraction when it takes me six plus years to visit. Others apparently share the same thoughts. Again, another attraction that thinks it's advanced (binaural sound), but falls flat in every category. The next attraction shares many similarities.

2. Stitch's Great Escape

Alien Encounter was never one of my favorites. It wasn't really scary to me, though some will think otherwise. I will admit in retrospect that the storyline of the attraction was ingenious and the use of the old Mission to Mars building for something completely different was creative. Today, Stitch makes his escape here. Like Laugh Floor, this attraction's "storyline" is used more to explain how the hell the attraction makes any sense in comparison to the movie it's based off of. A pet peeve of mine is how Disney portrays Stitch at their parks. Stitch in the film Lilo and Stitch was actually a lovable character after he became good. Disney decides to portray Stitch in his naughty mode, particularly here. This, along with the "Welcome to Stitch Kingdom" on the monorail actually made me start hating the blue alien unfairly.
Back to the attraction, we are apparently prison guards, a far cry from a convention center demonstration as in Alien Encounter. The Stitch AA is impressive, but we only see it for a minute before the lights go out. Except the lights don't go out because kids would get scared. Stitch burps in our face, bounces on our head, and spits on us. How this is supposed to be entertaining is beyond me. Even worse, Disney tried to "fix" the attraction since it was still too scary for kids by adding in fake audience members saying great lines like, "Look Mom. It's Stitch!" to "This is fun!" While the original ending had Stitch stealing an Astro Orbiter rocket, which tied it into Tomorrowland, Stitch now climbs Cinderella Castle and harasses Cinderella, thus destroying all illusion that the lands of the Magic Kingdom are self contained worlds. I believe this attraction was the beginning of the current cartoonization/ decline of the parks currently going on. All the problems that exist now can be traced back to this, or maybe even further......





1. The Enchanted Tiki Room Under New Management

Some believe that this attraction is a perfect metaphor for Michael Eisner and Paul Pressler's takeover of Disney. The tiki birds are supposed to be vintage Disney and Iago and Zazu are the new owners that see the birds as lame and pathetic. Their goal is to make money, and introduce such atrocities as hip hop into the show. Personally, I kind of disagree with this. While Eisner cared about money, he also saw potential in Disney. It's the current Disney regime that sees Disney as lame and adds characters to everything to maximize profits. They are the ones that use the Disney brand name as a means to make money while bastardizing the attractions in the meantime.
Only Disney fans who already knew what the Tiki Room was will get the point of the show, but they'll be offended. Everyone else won't even know what the hell is going on. The AAs of Iago, Zazu, and the Tiki Goddess are cartoonish and on a different scale than the tiki birds. The show is ridiculously short, which leaves the audience thinking "is that it?", even if the show is pathetic. This attraction has no entertainment value whatsoever. It isn't funny, it isn't relaxing, it isn't fun. It is the worst attraction in the resort, and the root of the Magic Kingdom's mediocrity.

The Five Best Walt Disney World Attractions

I thought it'd be interesting to list my five favorite Walt Disney World attractions now that certain things have happened, mainly two refurbishments that bumped one attraction off the chart and bumped another one up. Without further adieu...


5. Twilight Zone Tower of Terror

The crown jewel of Disney's Hollywood Studios, and WDW's signature attraction until Disney decided to clone it three times elsewhere in the world. Florida's still has the most foreboding presence and is the only one with a 5th dimension room. The Tower of Terror was created in 1994, the very year that Disney reached its pinnacle before Pressler took over and things headed south. It's a perfect example of a thrill ride being just as engaging and themed as a family ride.


4. Kilimanjaro Safaris

Disney's Animal Kingdom is above all else a park dedicated to animals. Though Expedition Everest has diverted some attention away from the safari, it still remains the signature attraction of the park. I remember how amazed I was the first time I went on it. Unlike Disney's California Adventure, Animal Kingdom could afford to lack attractions because the safari was 2o minutes long and was truly spectacular. Though I haven't been on it since the script changed, I don't see it making much of a difference as long as the animals are still the stars. Best of all, Kilimanjaro Safaris is an adventure that is never the same twice.

3. The American Adventure

Almost nothing in Epcot is the same as when the place opened 25 years ago. Most of the heart and soul of the park is gone, but one attraction holds on. The American Adventure is a technological marvel, a powerful and educational journey through our nation's history, and a tear jerker all in one . Only Disney can make us feel proud, sad, angry, and forewarned all at the same time. Best of all, the ending was recently updated to include events through the 21st century. This is the type of attraction that is sorely lacking in today's Epcot, especially considering some of its core message and heart is the same as the one removed on the other side of the lagoon. As long as the American Adventure sticks around, Epcot will still have hope. Luckily, the attraction is so complex that it's unlikely today's imagineers could even think of anything to take its place.

2. Splash Mountain

The Magic Kingdom is often thought to be a rather poor clone of its cousin Disneyland in California. Most of the attractions are far inferior to their California counterparts. There are at least two exceptions. The first is Splash Mountain. Magic Kingdom's is so far superior to Disneyland's that it's amazing the original in California came from the same company. Everything from pacing to storytelling to lighting is better in Florida. Not only does MK's Splash Mountain hold up well against Disneyland's, but it's also the anchor attraction of the entire west side of the park. Amazingly, Disney hasn't opened anything even close in scale to Splash in the Magic Kingdom since it opened. While most of Magic Kingdom's attractions are dubbed classics by Disney and are thus given low expectations (it's supposed to look old and dusty!), Splash Mountain is the only attraction that not only is in the classic category, but also in the same category as the other E-tickets on property, the new classics if you will (Test Track, Soarin, Everest, Tower, Rock'n'RollerCoaster, The Safari, and Dinosaur). Absolutely no trip to Walt Disney World would be complete without a visit to Splash Mountain.

1. The Haunted Mansion

Walt Disney World's Haunted Mansion used to be my favorite attraction. As the years went by however, neglect began to show, and the out of sync soundtrack, the cackling audio in the doombuggies, and the lack of the updated effects from California made the Haunted Mansion slip down my list. Now that Spaceship Earth is a disaster, and the Haunted Mansion has undergone an extreme makeover, I can now give it back the number one title. Not only is it the greatest attraction in Walt Disney World, it might actually be the best Haunted Mansion in the world. WDW's Haunted Mansion has always been longer that California's, which gave it hope for being superior, but now that the scenes have been reworked, the enhancements in the seance and attic installed, and the audio upgraded, there is little reason not to give it the title of the best. No attraction is more immersive than the Haunted Mansion. No ride has more iconic moments and unforgettable scenes. No ride has more "how did they do that?" moments and yet is still fairly simple. The Haunted Mansion is a testament to the greatest era of Imagineering, enhanced by some of the smarter minds of today's imagineers. The Haunted Mansion holds the secret to success- provide a loose narrative, but let the rider experience the attraction their own way. We don't need talking fish to remind us what's going on, or Pirates constantly yelling that they're looking for Jack Sparrow. In the words of the Ghost Host, "Shhhhh. Listen."

The Mystery Behind the "Refreshing"

Ever wonder what compels Disney to redo perfectly legitimate attractions? Most of the unnecessary reimagineering projects are a direct result of years of neglect. The greatest example of this is Space Mountain at Disneyland Paris. De la terre a la Lune was an amazing attraction when it opened, but after many years of neglect most effects stopped working, the ride got rough, and the exterior looked terrible. The only way to justify spending money to fix the ride was to change things up so that the redo could be marketed to increase attendance. Thus, Space Mountain Mission 2 was born, and the most unique Disney mountain ever is no more. They could have spent money on fixing the effects, but there would be no profit in that.
At Disneyland, the only way to justify closing their Space Mountain for a complete track replacement for two years was if they changed things so it could be promoted.
At Walt Disney World, many attractions such as the Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Spaceship Earth have shared similar fates. They were allowed to rot so miserably that the only way management would be willing to spend enough money to fix them was to change them enough to market them as new. Thus we have changes both positive (Haunted Mansion) and negative (Pirates and SSE). It's a Small World at Disneyland will share a similar fate.

Yours was Good, His was Better...

I retaliated against Disney's imagineering comment the other day, and it looks like the reimagineering blog found the same faults. Their response was better.

http://imagineerebirth.blogspot.com/2008/03/no-one-approaches-our-classic.html

Yeah, right.

From the L.A. Time's this week in response to the Blair Letter...

An “idiotic plan” to add Mickey Mouse and other Disney characters as well as an American tribute scene to Disneyland’s It’s a Small World represents a “gross desecration” that would “bastardize” the stylized artwork and “marginalize” the original theme of the boat ride, wrote the family of the classic attraction’s creator in an open letter to Disney executives.

Disney officials said some additions — known as “plussing” in Imagineering parlance — will be made to Small World but that no decision had been made on specific creative changes to the 14-minute ride despite the speculation.

“No one approaches our classic attractions with more reverence than Disney Imagineers who take great care when refreshing beloved attractions,” said Marilyn Waters, a Disney Imagineering spokeswoman. “As with all our classics, any enhancements made to It’s a Small World will be in the original spirit of celebrating the children of the world.”

Yep, just life all the additions to Pirates of the Caribbean, including music from the movie and the realistic new animatronics, blend with the original attraction. And the new Spaceship Earth stays true to the spirit of coming together to shape the future through communication and understanding. The esurance commercial and endless black tunnel are right what the original designers had in mind. Screw You Disney.

Spaceship Earth in name only- Spaceship Earth is dead

In July 2007, many Disney fans rejoiced that the hideous Epcot wand was coming down, thus restoring Spaceship Earth to its iconic glory. Eight months later, whenever I see the now wandless Spaceship Earth, I don't celebrate, but rather get angry. The giant golf ball that stands at the entrance to Epcot has no meaning any more. It's not majestic, and it's not powerful symbolism. It's simply a monument to a once great attraction. Like everything else in Epcot the exterior stands as a reminder to what once was, while the inside is infected with a disease. Its soul was sucked out when Disney finally went in to dust.
I'm not going into specifics here because I'm saving most of my ranting for later. I will say that the current version of Spaceship Earth's script would get a C if it was written in High School. As I was assembling it, I can't tell you how many times I got a grammatical error highlighted. Typing it up made me realize it is actually worse than I thought it was. It reminds me of a certain teacher I once had that tried to make history fun, but was completely inaccurate in most of his statements. The other students loved him though, just like guests love this garbage. The moral is that as a teacher or as a company, there should be an obligation to the truth, to making others understand significance, not to keeping people awake by watching movies or elfing yourself. This version is a disgrace to the purpose of Spaceship Earth, and a disgrace to the entire history of the Walt Disney Company.

See how many times the narration changes between past tense and present tense.

Spaceship Earth Version 4

Like a grand and miraculous spaceship, our planet has sailed through the universe of time, and for a brief moment we have been among its many passengers. But where are we going, and what kind of future will we discover there? Surprisingly, the answers lie in our past. Since the dawn of recorded history, we’ve been inventing the future one step at a time. So let’s travel back in time together. I’ll show you how our ancestors created the world we know today, and then it will be your turn to create the world of tomorrow.

Here in this hostile world is where our story begins. We are alone, struggling to survive, until we learn to communicate with one another. Now we can hunt as a team and survive together. It takes 15,000 years to come up with the next bright idea- recording our knowledge on cave walls. There was only one small problem: when we moved, the recorded knowledge stayed behind.

Now let’s move ahead to ancient Egypt, because something is about to happen here that will change the future forever. This unknown Egyptian pounding reeds flat is inventing papyrus, a soft paper. Papyrus in turn creates better record keeping of plans, designs, and unfortunately taxes. But it also brings with it the dawn of great civilizations.

At this point, each civilization has its own form of writing which none of the others can understand. But the Phoenicians, who trade with all of them, have a solution. They create a simple, common alphabet adaptable to most languages. Remember how easy it was to learn your ABC’s? Thank the Phoenicians.

The ancient Greeks were great inventors of the future. First they established public schools, and then begin teaching an intriguing new subject called mathematics; and with math comes mechanical technology and the birth of the high tech life we enjoy today.

With lessons learned from the Greeks, the Romans create a powerful empire. To move their armies around, they built a system of roads all over the known world. Rome built the first World Wide Web, and it’s leading us into the future. But then we hit a road block. Rome falls and the great library of Alexandria in Egypt is burned. Much of our learning is destroyed, lost forever- or so we think. It turns out there were copies of these books in the libraries of the Middle East being watched over by Arabic and Jewish scholars. Call it the first back up system. The books are saved, and with them our dreams of the future.

In the meantime, here in Europe monks toil endlessly recording books by hand. But that is about to change. In 1450, Guttenberg invents the movable type printing press. Now knowledge can travel as fast as these new books, and travel they do. Books make it easier to invent the future in every field, and the result is an incredible explosion of innovation we call the renaissance.

Now communication technology races headlong into the future, and soon people all over the world are sharing life’s most important moments faster than ever before. By now we’re all communicating from anywhere on Earth, and in 1969 from somewhere else.

To send a man to the moon, we had to invent a new language spoken not by man, but by computers. At first very large and very expensive computers, but we see the potential. What if everyone could have one of these amazing machines in their own house? There’s just one problem- they’re as big as house. The solution comes in 1977 in of all places a garage in California. Young people with a passion for shaping the future put the power of the computer in everyone’s hands, and once again we stand on the brink of a new renaissance.

After 30,000 years of time travel here we are- a truly global community networked online poised to shape the future of Spaceship Earth. For the first time in history, all of us can have a say in the kind of world we want to live in. The choices we have made for the past 30,000 years have been inventing the future one day at a time. And now it’s your turn. On your computer screen, answer a few questions. Then we’ll add a little future technology and show you a new world custom made just for you. Are you ready to create the future? Let’s get started.

Well done. And now I believe your future is just about ready. Let’s take a look shall we? Well, I think the future we’ve created looks very promising, don’t you? So here’s to the next 30,000 years on Spaceship Earth. While no one knows for sure what we’ll see or do, I do know it will be quite an adventure. An adventure we’ll take and make- together. See you in the future.

It's a Smart World After All

Tensions are rising out in California. Thankfully the fans understand that Disney is screwed up and they're fighting back. Now the family of Mary Blair has joined the fight. Courtesy of the reimagineering blog:

Dear Disney Executives,

It has recently been brought to my attention that the Walt Disney Company including WDI has proposed changes to the “It’s a Small World Ride” at the Disneyland Park in Anaheim. As I understand the changes include the addition of the Disney Characters (Mickey, Minnie, Lilo & Stitch, etc.) to the ride in select areas, and the replacement of the “Rainforest” section with Mickey Mouse in a tribute entitled “Up with America”. I also understand that the boats and trough they ride in will be expanded for the safety and comfort of the parks modern day guests.

While I fully understand and support the upgrade to the boats as a necessary safety upgrade, the addition of the Disney Characters and the “Up with America” section I do NOT support as it represents a gross desecration of the ride's original theme and my Mother’s stylized artwork.

The Disney characters of themselves are positive company icons, but they do NOT fit in with the original theme of the ride. They will do nothing except to marginalize the rightful stars of the ride “The Children of the World”. This marginalization will do nothing but infuriate the ride’s international guests and devoted Disney fans.

My Mother and I have always had a strong sense of patriotism for America and I DO support a tribute to America. Disneyland has several venues, which are perfect places for this tribute including “Main Street USA” or “New Orleans Square”; unfortunately the “It’s a Small World” ride is NOT one of them. Once again this will marginalize the children of the world theme and bastardize my Mother’s original art. Furthermore ripping out a rainforest (Imaginary or otherwise) and replacing it with misplaced patriotism is a public relations blunder so big you could run a Monorail through it.

As a former WED employee I am saddened to realize the degradation of the company’s talent and focus and the subsequent decline at the Disneyland Park itself. I cannot believe someone from WDI was paid to come up with such an idiotic plan as this.

As the head of the Blair family I cannot urge you strongly enough to abandon this idiotic plan and instead upgrade the boats and return the ride to it’s original classic form, design and colors. The desecration of Mary’s art is an insult to Mary Blair, her art, and her memory, and to the entire Blair Family itself.

Sincerely,

Kevin L. Blair
Representing;
Kevin Blair, Donovan Blair, Jeanne Chamberlain,
Maggie Richardson, Kevin Allison